DD Chronicles - Issue I

Had my first go-around as a driver for No DUI Colorado Springs this past Friday.

Left my job as the area's highest paid dishwasher at Trinity to head to the Dunkin' Donuts over near the old Arctic Brewery. As soon as I arrived it was obvious I was there for different reasons than everyone else. There were 20 of us, and all but me were severely overweight and smoking. They were also bitching and moaning about the lack of tips the previous night.

Even though it's billed as a free service, when you call the number you're highly encouraged to tip the drivers "at least $20" who take you and your car home. Fair enough, but I was turned off by the fact that everyone there was only trying to make a buck.

The way this works is that you're placed in a team with another driver. When a call comes in, your team is assigned to go pick up the drunk. When you reach the bar, one person takes the keys from the drunk and drives the drunk and his car home, while the other person of the team follows. It's not a bad deal for 20 bones, since you get yourself and your car home.

There are a bunch of bars who sponsor this program, and we only go to those bars unless it's a soldier calling, in which case we'll go anywhere to pick him/her up. It was payday weekend for the military, so my entire night would be spent hauling drunk Army guys over to Carson.

My team's first call came in around 10PM. Yup, 10PM and too drunk to drive, good stuff! It was off to Antique Billards over by the Citadel mall. I had volunteered to be the one to drive the drunk's car, which for some reason was a gig nobody wanted. I thought it would be fun to talk with my fellow drinkers.

First up I got to drive some private's souped up Mazda RX7. Not used to driving a fast car, and within the first few seconds I was doing 65 in a 30. Oops. The joe wasn't too drunk, but told me he had recently gotten a DUI and didn't want to chance getting another. Smart guy.

From there we went to Oscar's to hang out and wait for the next call. I don't think I've ever been to Oscar's sober, especially not at 11PM. The place was fairly busy, but not packed yet. Oscar's is the kind of place you go early for cheap beer (they have 2-for-1 cans of Schlitz and PBR), then go somewhere else, then go back at the end of the night when you haven't talked a chick into going home with you. Knowing this, there were two disturbingly underdressed fat chicks at the bar, just waiting. Nobody was talking to them that early.

Next call came, and it was a quick run down to Jose Muldoon's to pick up another Army guy. Young guy, and he was with his even younger wife. On the drive to Fort Carson she told me they met in the mosh pit of a show at Fiddler's Green in Denver and had married a few days later. Typical Army marriage, but these two seemed like they might beat the odds and actually make it six months or so before filing for divorce. Turns out he was a fellow 11B so we talked about Infantry shit for most of the ride. The guys at the gate know about the no DUI program and let us through pretty quick. And an MP even let my teammate off without a ticket after he flipped a bitch to pick me up.

Back to Oscar's around 12:30AM. The two lonely fat chicks weren't so lonely anymore, having attracted quite a crowd of drunk guys willing to buy them any drink on the menu. I felt like I should have said something, but it was just too funny and I kept watching. Seeing beer goggles at work from this angle was great entertainment.

Eventually we got what would be our last call of the night. Off to Cowboy's to take two more soldiers back to Fort Carson. One passed out in the back seat and the other was slurring so bad I couldn't understand him.

Around 3:15AM we were finally cut loose to go home.

There were 10 teams, and considering I went on four calls, I guess about 40 drunkards were kept off the streets. I ended up making $40, ten of which I gave to the guy who drove the chase car around all night.

Overall it was a great experience. Without us, I'm sure some of those soldiers would have tried to drive home, which could have been disastrous. Nobody was rude and everybody really appreciated what we were doing. It's definitely something I'll be doing again in the near future.

Of course, since I didn't drink last Friday, I have to make up for it this Friday at Telluride!